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Syed Hassan Aftab spancolor: #000099""categorises the different types of ‘emailers’ and the trouble others face because of their obsession with sending random mails
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As the art of sending emails is celebrating its 10th anniversary in Pakistan, so are our emailing habits. We have not only travelled from the sdnpk.undp.org email services to the DSL being offered by PTCL, but also from exchanging useful text messages to ridiculous video files. With the growth of email, the categories of emailers have grown too. Here are some very familiar categories.
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Some people survive only on Fwd: messages. They think that it is their humanitarian responsibility to send emails that people even with gigantic inboxes can't digest. Normally these forward-looking people realise that they have not sent anything to anyone for a long time. But these PhDs in lethargy, instead of writing something to their relatives, depend on the junk that they themselves receive. Some of these emailers, even after the DSL revolution, send you files that take hours to download. But after testing patience painstakingly, the downloaded files refuse to open due to the absence of the required software!
Now we come to the other side of the moral spectrum…oops…I mean the other side of the extreme. In this category fall the 1Ks. To these emailers, you email detailed account of your feelings with heartiest regards, only to receive a 1K reply. You know, the messages that end before they have actually begun…like got it, will convey, currently busy, will reply later (with NO reply later, of course), received with regards! These messages are actually of 345 bytes, it is the yahoo or hotmail’s generosity that shows the message as 1K.
The poorest are the Jpg-Bmp emailers, they are actually needy ‘netizens’ as they don’t have enough text to send. These messages normally have photographs of events and concerts or the altered caricatures of renowned celebrities. These people really need our support, so instead of replying to them, send them keyboards.
Then there are those who send warm wishes through email, only when some of their parents, siblings, spouse or children are visiting you. These messages first depict a warm welcome, yet at the end is could you please or PS, from where in fact the real message starts. The ‘could you please’ emailers normally ask to get them inexpensive CDs of their favourite music albums, movies, or softwares, and you know quite well what they mean by inexpensive.
The knowingly baffling is the arrival category. When you log on to your computer and sign in to see some very dear relative of your friend’s message in the inbox. The click on the message lets you know that the mentioned is the arrival time of their flight. Normally, these messages are received after the friends or relatives have left for the airport, so if one needs clarification about GMT or PST, they do clarify but only after their arrival. The arrival emailers message only for the arrivals, never before, never again.
Another is the Reply all category. Some people have a habit of replying to all the recipients of a message, after that the fireworks start. You may be absolutely innocent, but will continue to receive messages and counter-messages. If someone belongs to the Reply all category, I beg it (no – using him or her are too honourable for these warmongers) to please send emails sans viruses.
The next category is the WMD. I mean, a person excitedly composes a message and sends it with much enthusiasm and suddenly a message appears that the recipient’s address is more like the weapons of mass destruction, as it simply does not exist.
Now we move on to the detached category. In this category, you may never receive an email from someone, and you may never send any email to this someone, but you’ll see his or her email address always lying in the To or Reply All options.
The sacred category is the truly fearsome. You must at least once have received a message related to some sacred saying, which is a very good thing, but the not very good thing is that this message also asks you ‘to please send this message to at least twenty new people, you’ll be blessed, if you fail to do so, you’ll be cursed’. If you decide to further circulate any such message, please include the sender’s address so to teach him a lesson.
There are numerous emailers who belong to the Email-Polygamist category. These emailers have countless email addresses, but whenever you send something to their hotmail address, it bunks.
The most infuriating is the laggard category. These people would not email you for ages, and then suddenly you’ll receive five of their messages, one saying that how they are doing, one saying that they have made a mistake in the previous email, and the rest are duplicates. You will not receive anything from these laggards even when you immediately reply. And if you were to receive anything, it would be their 11 messages after seven months. It is better to call these emailers and tell them to stick to snail mail.
Furthermore, the Change-of-Address category has emailers with the best IQ level amongst all morons. These emailers may never have any two-way or one-way communication with you, but every year they’ll send to you an email saying my email has now changed. I am still trying to figure out what good this change is.
An absolute majority of emailers are the Offliners. These emailers would ask you to add them to your MSN or Yahoo messenger service, yet you’ll never ever find them online. Yet it would be these offliners who’d be complaining that they have never seen you online.
There are gazillions of categories, but the last one here belongs to the Pay-As-You-Type emailers whose emails depict as if they are paying for each typed letter. These messages are two difficult to understand and contain many unknown acronyms, abbreviations and symbols of words and smileys. Almost all kindergarten kids write better messages than these Pay-As-You-Type Emailers.
All emailers, old and young, must’ve felt delighted as Yahoo recently gifted unlimited storage to all of its free emailers. But I dread the gifts that I will now receive from all of the above categorised emailers.
Source: DAWN, The Internet Edition, Sci-Tech World July 21, 2007.
http://www.dawn.com/weekly/science/science10.htm
( The Links at the time of posting were Checked & were found Active. )